Coopers Hawk

I decided to
quit drinking
in April of

2009. I had just
come off a
rough break up –

had split my
face in a club
on the floor

in front of my
x and his fancy
friends. I was

that girl, screaming
and covered in
blood from

what they told me
later.

I got into another
“relationship”

shortly after and
while I have had
a ball character

sketching what a
piece of work that
one was in my

latest novel I

know at the end
of the day it’s
only a reflection

of what I allowed
in my life.

I swore I could stop
drinking – I just
didn’t feel like it

and
some of the
hardest years
of my life were those –

realizing that I
had no control.

February 13 was my
original clean date.

I worked at this
chain restaurant that
sold a lot of shitty

wine in fancy giant
glass cone
shaped decanters.

I started work at
ten am that day.
The sixty

or so decanters were
filled with water and
had to be taken off of
a shelf, dumped out and

dried.

I hadn’t had a drink
in days. No cocktails
to deal, no shots to
have fun, not a single

beer to be able to just
sit with people.

My hands shook and that
was easy to ignore or
say was a result of

9 espresso shots but –
I picked up that

decanter shaking and
dropped it. The shatter
didn’t even make me jump.

I just picked up another
one. Dropped it.

And another.
And another.

I wasn’t sure if I was
shattering them on
purpose or accident.

The floor covered in
water and glass.

Getting clean has been
my greatest salvation

but at first it felt like
exactly what I just
described.

Today I am grateful
for the pain that it
took to come up with

the willingness
to do something

different.

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