Category: Uncategorized

Las Vegas, Nevada, Planet Earth

It was validating
for a while.

Waking up at
6 in the morning.

Putting on business
casual clothes.

Driving to work
in morning traffic
with the new

sun. It was

validating for
a while –

rewarding as if
I had arrived
within a life that

was never supposed
to be for me.

Being the professional
adult in the room.

Facilitating four hours
of group therapy a day

wondering why I felt
so exhausted. I never
had a degree or a

single credential but
they just kept
promoting me and in

the end I left my
keys on the counter
and quietly

walked out in the
middle of the day
because I couldn’t

fake stability within
the chaos.

It was nothing like
in the movies. I was
terrified of how

we’d pay the bills
and suddenly – the
validation of

facilitating space,
bank hours, an office
and business casual


was gone and I felt
like I was nothing and
worse. But.

In those three years I
learned to play
ping pong like a

fucking champ. I learned
that nothing but my
own center will validate

my life experience,
and I learned how to feel
what others felt and

not make it about

I went back to my
old job as a server
in a fine dining

restaurant on the
Strip. I was so
grateful they

took me back. I
don’t work much but
when I do I put on

a sexy outfit and
do my hair and face.

I have cute over the
knee sued black boots
and I drive a white

mustang. I like
myself better when
I’m in that car

in my boots at
1 am. I listen to
so much loud

Van Halen in that
car because I know
that someday, I’ll

be old and tell
younger people
what my life in

Las Vegas
was like.

For now I try
not to put
too much into

what I thought
would make me like
myself. Anything

can be validating
for a while but
never in the way

we imagine.


Non specific

It is never a
memory just

the memory.

It’s never
specific until
it is.

Until all of a
sudden it’s

15 years later
and for the
first time in

that time the
entire complete
dialogue of a

poem by Sole1 can
just pop
into my head.

The poem we’d
of times that I

thought was long

You know they
called you junkie
number one.

They said everything
was wrong with me
because I

missed you so much
at an inconvenient
time. I was a kid

and the older I get,
the younger of a kid
you were too.

I have done so
much work. So much
writing. So much rage.

So much sadness and
so many reality checks
of what we actually were

and who we would have
lived to die to

I don’t do drugs.
I’ve been clean from
all drugs and alcohol

for seven years. I can’t
remember the last time
I said your name out loud.

It is never
a memory just

the memory.

Of words all put
together it’s a poem

a gift
a haunting.

It would have been
easier if you would have
just become someone
from a lifetime ago

that I

could stalk on the

something else
chose the lessons.

I hope you are


Coopers Hawk

I decided to
quit drinking
in April of

2009. I had just
come off a
rough break up –

had split my
face in a club
on the floor

in front of my
x and his fancy
friends. I was

that girl, screaming
and covered in
blood from

what they told me

I got into another

shortly after and
while I have had
a ball character

sketching what a
piece of work that
one was in my

latest novel I

know at the end
of the day it’s
only a reflection

of what I allowed
in my life.

I swore I could stop
drinking – I just
didn’t feel like it

some of the
hardest years
of my life were those –

realizing that I
had no control.

February 13 was my
original clean date.

I worked at this
chain restaurant that
sold a lot of shitty

wine in fancy giant
glass cone
shaped decanters.

I started work at
ten am that day.
The sixty

or so decanters were
filled with water and
had to be taken off of
a shelf, dumped out and


I hadn’t had a drink
in days. No cocktails
to deal, no shots to
have fun, not a single

beer to be able to just
sit with people.

My hands shook and that
was easy to ignore or
say was a result of

9 espresso shots but –
I picked up that

decanter shaking and
dropped it. The shatter
didn’t even make me jump.

I just picked up another
one. Dropped it.

And another.
And another.

I wasn’t sure if I was
shattering them on
purpose or accident.

The floor covered in
water and glass.

Getting clean has been
my greatest salvation

but at first it felt like
exactly what I just

Today I am grateful
for the pain that it
took to come up with

the willingness
to do something


My big sister is my hero

I ask her
how her
job is.

She says
to me

“Well. Yesterday
I had a six hour
conference call

and six hours
of emails to
catch up on

In the middle
of that
a supervisor

called to give
me feedback on
not properly

facilitating my
conference call.

Other people
kept calling me
to see if I had

followed up on
their emails from

10 am yet. I picked
up the kids and
managed to make

them dinner and
put them to

bed. After that
I sat on the
couch and

just cried.

Sometimes I
don’t feel like I
do anything

right and it’s
all I can do to
just be aware and

not take it out
on the kids or
my husband.”

We talk on the
phone on Saturdays

just like my Dad
would if he


Horrible Bosses.

Yesterday I
walked out
on my job.

Straight up
threw up my
middle fingers

and walked out.
If there was
anything that

working in a
job I couldn’t
handle for five

years taught me
in retrospect it
is that no matter

I always
had a choice –
I just played it

like I didn’t. I
grew up thinking
that everything

everyone else was
doing was happening
to me and I didn’t

have a choice. Today,
I do – and today –

I am not willing
to support some
assholes ego

at the expense of
clients in a
behavioral health

facility. It didn’t
feel anything like
the movies make it
look like

but I’ll be
goddamned if
my ability to

live healthy,
respected and
free is what’s

going to
have to buy
the cat food.

I’m done working
in drug rehab.

I’m not sure what I
thought I had to prove
but I’m done now.

Today I did my yoga.
I went to the temple.
It’s an hour north

of here in the middle
of nowhere.
I finished my second

fourth step.

I have no idea what
is going to happen
but I know

that I don’t
have to go back

to that place. As
long as I

take care of
myself the



Firefly Dusk

Last night
my sister was
in Disneyland.

I was the waitress
at the table. Her
young children and

husband surprised me
by sitting in my section
for dinner.

I couldn’t believe
they were there and
I was so happy to

see them that I
barely noticed
the empty seat.

“No sit here.
You don’t
serve dinner

any more.” My
sister laughed.

I took off my
apron and sat down
at the table. The

Magic Kingdom was
the back drop and
I twisted around in
my chair to see

a few yards away,
through the crowd
our father.

Just watching us,
with the most peaceful
and glowing smile
on his face.

I kept trying to
get him to come
and sit with us but

he kept letting me
know telepathically
that he couldn’t.

So I just watched him
among the crowd
watching his family

be his family but not
moving any further

I woke up to my
alarm. 5:53 a.m.

I kept trying to go
back to sleep so I
could catch him

from that dream and
keep that feeling but

like a child after a
lightning bolt on a
summers evening I

couldn’t seem to
grasp him back.

On fear

I woke up this morning
to read that the current

of the United States
signed an executive
order to ban

refugees from certain
“Muslim” countries
from coming to

the United States.
I sat in bed.

With my husband, who
just got a green card,
our cats and our dogs.

The stories of
1930s Europe

playing in my head.
The BBC said that
even people on planes
that were on their way

to the US with the proper
Visa to return back
here to their loved ones

were turned away at
US customs.

I remember that day,
waiting for my life
to start at a US customs

A lot of the time,
my world is very small.

I am in the talks of
teaching yoga at
West Care and an

HIV/AIDS outreach
program in downtown
Las Vegas. I have the

privilege of teaching
Monday – Friday and a
good job that pays well.

Today I

bitched about traffic
on the 515 and I sweat
so much in a hot room

that I thought my head
was going to ooze off.

I saw a friends new home.
I had a decaf coffee and
fell asleep in my husbands

after taking his class.
But I also felt a cool
and very clear chill of fear

go through my spine.
Fear of what is going
to happen to this great

country and it’s order
that I used to think
couldn’t change.

“Maybe we should just
move to London.” I found
myself mumbling.

“I can see us in ten years,
trying to remember the

of it all being
destroyed. Maybe we
should just go

now. While we can. I
need a UK passport


I am afraid
for the future.